There goes my hero, watch him as he goes
Well, I guess it's time for me to spill about the sad news.
This monday I got a phone-call from my dad. Apparently my grandad had gone to get himself a glass of water because he felt a bit parched, then suddenly he'd fallen to the floor having what appeared to be a stroke. My grandma called for an ambulance and my grandad was rushed to the hospital. After I finished talking to my dad I got a bit misty-eyed, but it wasn't anything I couldn't shake off. About ten minutes later though it all started to hit me. I realized that I might never talk to my grandad again, or see him in a normal state. And that just broke me completely. I thought about the fact that I put of visiting my grandparents last weekends just because of my cold. And as humans do, I started blaming myself for not visiting my grandparents enough. And when I thought about my grandma going to bed alone for about the first time in 50 years that made me even more upset. And then I began beating myself up more about not visiting them enough. After a while of tears and the sort I decided to try to think of something else so I turned on MTV to watch the Chappelle-show. It was bit of a spirit-lifter because it was the start of a new season so I hadn't seen any of the sketches before. But when it was over I started thinking about my gramps again.
I eventually decided to try to get some sleep, and despite all the sad emotion filling me I fell asleep quite fast.
The next morning I felt much better. I felt purged of all the emotions that I had the night before. When I thought about my grandpa I didn't get more than a lump in my throat, and I thought this was progress in the right direction.
I went to school and the day went by just like any other day. I didn't tell anyone about my grandpa. I would if someone had asked a question related to my grandparents or something, but I didn't feel like spilling it out just out of the blue.
The next day I felt even better. I didn't even get a lump in my throat when thinking about my grandpa. At the moment I thought that was weird, but I didn't give it much more thought at the time. When I got to school it felt even more like a regular school-day than the day before. In our history-lesson we saw a movie about the second world war, and there were these old people talking about their experiences. The weird thing was that there was this man that looked like the spitting image of my grandpa. When I first saw him I thought, "Damn, this might be too much for me", but I didn't feel anything when I saw that man. It was just like seeing any other guy. At this point I started freaking out a bit.
When I got home I tried thinking about my grandpa and all the sad things that I could possibly muster, but I felt nothing. I couldn't feel sad at all, no matter what I tried. The only thing I could feel was anger for not being able to be emotional. It was the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced! I started thinking there had to be something seriously wrong with me.
The next day I had the same drone-feeling.
It wasn't until Friday when I got home that the spell was broken. I got home to an empty house. I figured my mom was at the hospital with grandpa but I had no idea where my dad and my little brother were. After about 10mins my dad called me and told me that my brother was staying at Mo(where he goes to school) because he was going to see a movie with some friends, so he wasn't coming home until Saturday. Then my dad told me that he was going to the hospital with my grandma, and he wondered if I wanted to stay home or if I wanted to come with.
Obviously I came with. When I got in the car I was worried that my grandma would be sad, but she just seemed like her old self. We didn't talk about my grandfather that much, just a few minor mentions here and there.
When we got to the hospital I started feeling the way I had the day I got the message about my gramps , and I worried that I might not hold my cool. When we entered the hospital I started to feel a growing distaste for the hospital. I now totally understood why people hate hospitals.
We got into gramps' room and I met my mom. She seemed to have grown accustomed to the situation, which I understood because she'd been to the hospital every day since the incident. The first sight of my granddad was more weird than it was emotional. He looked just like he would if sleeping, but he had his teeth out so he looked a bit different, but essentially he just looked asleep. It wasn't until he started making some strained breathing noises that I got a lump in my throat. My grandma sat down beside my grandpa and she seemed very calm. She then grabbed his hand and held it, and then she looked up at me and smiled faintly. I started getting more lumpy in my throat, and then my mom suggested that my grandma should have some time alone with my grandpa. She tried saying she didn't need it but we went out anyway. On the way out I looked back at my grandma and she smiled at me again.
After that me and my dad went to the store to get a few things before we would head back home. This was my grandma's first visit to my grandpa, the trip to the hospital is about 30-40mins by car from where we live.
When we got back from the store we talked about grandpa and dad said that there was most likely just one thing likely to happen next, it was just a matter of time before it happens. I immediately started thinking of a line from Bloc Party's - Helicopter "Are you hoping for a miracle?", and I realized that I'd been hoping for a miracle all that time. I hadn't really taken the time to sit down and face the truth.
When we got to the room we sat with grandpa for a while, and my mom took out some headphones attached to a microphone-looking thing that my grandpa used to use when talking to my grandmother. She said that grandma could try talking to him. She argued that it probably wouldn't get through to him, but she talked anyway. When it was time to go my mom said that she could tell grandpa that we were leaving. At this point I tried not to talk at all because I knew that my voice would probably break after just a single word.
When we were walking out from the hospital I regretted not taking some time for myself saying goodbye to grandpa.
On the way home I lightened up a bit because talking to my mom calmed me a bit. I guess her calmness rubbed off on me. When we got home I felt like I could get used to all of this. Well, as used you can get to something like this. I had a normal night with my parents. There was a special aura about it, but it was a normal night.
This day, Saturday, I spent six hours with my grandma at her house. I plowed some snow, carried in some firewood, and I kept my grandma company. She still seemed like her old self. Sometimes it seemed like she was very sad, but we had conversations that felt like any conversation we'd had in the past. I mean before my grandpa got to the hospital.
I really hope she's getting through this okay. Anyway, I've now made a pledge to myself that every weekend, unless something I can't avoid shows up, I'll go visit my grandma. No exceptions, except for the one I said before.
At the moment my grandma has my aunt/her daughter with her. She took the train up here, and she'll stay until Friday.
This has all been pretty rough on me, seeing as my grandfather is one of the most inspirational people I've had the pleasure of knowing. He might even be the closest thing to an idol I've had.
I think that's all I have to share for now.
On a final note I would just like to say: Love you, Gramps
